On Religion

Is religion really still around? Really? People are still believing that some great big power up in the sky is helping you, commanding you, and most importantly, looking in on you at night, when you think you are alone? This god character sounds more like a child molester than a deity. (Trust me, I know the difference.) Maybe that's why the priests are on a tear that would make NAMBLA blush.

Despite my agnosticisim (thank you, 16 years of Catholic education), I just love L. Ron Hubbard. I mean this guy is a fucking genius. He took the basic recipe of Charlie Manson (confused young Californians + drugs X promise of celebrity=cult), threw in a dash of Gene Rodenberry, took out the hippie happiness bullshit and replaced the Beatles with a billion year old alien. They both courted celebrities; Manson got Dennis Wilson, L. Hubby got Cruise, Chef from South Park, etc. And say what you will about those cults; they both took their shit seriously, unlike other so-called 'religions'. (Mormonism for example.)
I mean, Manson had people starting race-wars, while L. Ron Jeremy uncovered an intergalactic monster named Xenu. (Sorta like Jesus with rayguns and shiny pants.) In between orgies, they actually got a lot accomplished.

But in the end, they both became the only thing worse than a failure, as our society defines it: an ironic, pop-culture reference point. One ended up as nothing more than the namesake of a sexually ambiguous death metal singer; the other ended up being run by a sexually ambiguous actor and part-time death metal singer.

I can't wait until the inevitable schism that rips Scientology apart. There is going to be some serious collateral damage from phaser blasts and theta-wave duels. Of course, the rebels will claim they are merely trying to return to L. Ron Hubbel Space Telescope's Flash Gordon spec-script beginnings, complete with the power to heal and way cool unitards.
Of course, TomKat will lead the counter-reformation: e-meters will be turned into torture devices that inflict unspeakable pain, and the zombie hipster douchebags who now do the shilling for them on sidewalks will be ground up and used to sate the unqeuenchable thirst of the minions of Xenu. He will then be elected Vice President.

There is really only one person with enough imagination and liquidity to create a new religion to rival Scientology: JK Rowling. In fact, if you think about it, there is really no difference between the Bible and Harry Potter. Both contain images of fantasy violence, withcraft, and forced sodomy. (Actually, only the Bible has that last one, but I'm sure that there are reams of Potter fan-fiction available if you want that.) There is no more proof that there are talking owls delivering messages than there is to support the contention that a man set up a fairly comfortable home inside the belly of a whale for months at a time.

"But," you may ask, "how did we get here? What is our purpose?"
And lo, I answereth, "Smoke another bowl and maybe the answer will come to you. Or maybe you will eat some peanut m&m's and fall asleep on the couch. Either way nothing will fucking change." Duke 3:69