tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51499424650519296562024-02-06T22:30:16.528-08:00Stoned MusingsThe Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-60814868442946886192009-07-09T22:15:00.000-07:002009-07-09T22:29:21.905-07:00Changing my majorSince lawyering (as they say in the trade) hasn't exactly worked out, I've trained my well-honed, six-figure powers of logic towards a more likely goal: Winning the lottery, then pulling a Nic Cage in his last great movie.As of today, the California Super Lotto jackpot is $9 million, and the Mega Millions jackpot is $12 million. Both offer life-changing money. However, as you can see, your The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-49605834839750251102009-03-16T11:15:00.001-07:002009-03-16T11:16:40.461-07:00The Whip is a band, not a car.The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-76535188917241554972009-02-07T22:43:00.000-08:002009-02-14T11:44:49.776-08:00The Nasty Old Cooter MonologuesWhy is it is impossible for an attractive woman to be in 'The Vagina Monologues?' I don't mean one who isn't straight, or who wasn't hot 30 years ago; I mean a woman who's vagina you would actually want to see and/or touch. There would never be a "Parthenon" monologue, or a "sunset over half dome in Yosemite national park" monologue. This is because these things are so beautiful, so The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-8960767200935968242009-02-07T22:17:00.000-08:002009-02-09T15:13:59.152-08:00SaturationIn science, a saturation point is reached when a given space can contain no more mass without either reaching a point of equilibrium between the space and the mass, or the complete annihilation of said space. Here in L.A., the hipster douchebag population has achieved saturation. The question is now whether they will reach equilibrium, or be destroyed in a hail of mutton-chops and The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-88724739377218368032008-10-17T20:28:00.000-07:002008-10-18T11:00:59.205-07:00You betcha'!To all of you Palin fans out there, I will point out one thing to you: She winked at you. During a debate. Winked!Several times. And, to the best of my knowledge, there was nothing in her eye. Except perhaps a tear for all the special-needs kids out there.The last time a "wink" was contrived without intentional irony on national television was probably during some episode of Diff'rent Strokes inThe Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-22168554486859928982008-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:002008-10-05T14:30:19.075-07:00Refute this, please.There is suffering that is not the fault of the person afflicted or any other person (tornadoes, asteroids falling from space, American Idol.)If there is a God, he must be aware of this, by definition.If he is not able to stop this suffering, then he is not worthy of the name.If he is able to end this suffering, and he chooses not to, then he is not worthy of our worship.Therefore, if God does The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-91501122014041543922008-08-02T23:11:00.000-07:002008-08-02T23:20:02.608-07:00I was doing some research the other day when I stumbled on a startling fact: Pacifico tastes much better than Budweiser, but Bud pairs with two vicodin so much better. It might be because A-B actually puts a small amount of pure morphine into each batch of beer. You know, like Coke used to do with cocaine? Yea, they still do it to beer. Only its not a secret ingredient; everyone knows about The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-35298195886007408652008-07-10T01:46:00.000-07:002008-07-10T02:05:04.385-07:00Consider the followingRon Pereleman: beastly billionaire. Married to multiple hot starlets.Rush Limbaugh: Oxy-deafened blob. Banged all manner of Fox News Babes (C). Howard Stern: Scarecrow-esque hook-nose Jew. Banged Angie Everhart (in her prime.)Howard Hughes: Died, quite literally, of OCD; enjoyed not showering for years. Notorious womanizer and de-virginizer. What these men all have in common is one thing:The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-55097640876116494692008-04-10T21:56:00.000-07:002008-04-10T22:05:53.820-07:00Star Wars: Get Fucked!I have to say it: Star Wars blows. It is just contrived, hacky dreck that is the most overrated franchise in movie history. Yes, it was a neat conceit towards the tail end of the 70's era of gritty realism. But that's it. Set against 'Bad Lieutenant', it's optimistic. But any other time, its pure unadulterated schmaltz. It's as if "Dude Where's My Car" spawned 6 films and infinite product The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-80446361788212080472008-03-18T22:31:00.000-07:002008-03-18T22:33:25.640-07:00ContemplationI was buying blow at Outback the other day when I realized something: Where do handicapped people park at the Special Olympics? Do they just manage to wing it from 30 yards away? I can't believe they have special buses just to walk across a parking lot. I mean come on, if you are competing in the Olympics you should be able to crawl/bellyroll that few feet into the front door.Then I had someThe Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-6677782137783996162007-12-18T23:03:00.000-08:002007-12-28T23:48:20.091-08:00History-icityThey say that Los Angeles is the city of dreams, a place where ugly is made beautiful and skinny is made fat. From knowing exactly how many hairs on britney's twat to the presidency of Mitt Romney, the influence of Hollywood's morals on society at large is immeasurable. But, in my experience, it's the small things that define a larger truth. (That rule also applies to my sex life.) Here, it The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-17099965843429979982007-12-02T14:26:00.000-08:002007-12-03T16:07:47.529-08:00Will that be to stay or to go?While being escorted out of my local mall recently, I came to some real conclusions regarding the nature of mans existence vis-a-vis machines. It all started earlier in the day when I attempted to buy some iced coffee at the mall's Coffee Conglomerate.The kiosk was off the main food court, next to the the cinn-a-lard and a PinkBerry (or as I call them, Dachau II).After elbowing and and The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-72875678881442631242007-11-04T01:31:00.000-07:002007-11-04T01:48:16.970-07:00On ReligionIs religion really still around? Really? People are still believing that some great big power up in the sky is helping you, commanding you, and most importantly, looking in on you at night, when you think you are alone? This god character sounds more like a child molester than a deity. (Trust me, I know the difference.) Maybe that's why the priests are on a tear that would make NAMBLA blush.The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-45149515481653799242007-11-03T18:42:00.000-07:002007-11-03T18:44:16.532-07:00These names are absolutely awesome. Randall should have been reading this list at the video store.The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-48065212923772294402007-10-24T21:13:00.000-07:002007-10-24T21:39:40.622-07:00Friend-Zone Fan MailMy first fan IM: (names changed to protect the innocent.)SN Redacted:duke! LOVE your blog! MISS YOUSweet, platonic love from a hot chick! Just what I was lacking.....The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-12970916827907661012007-10-24T00:22:00.000-07:002007-10-24T01:29:17.738-07:00The Naming Conventions on RedTube Have Room For ImprovementRedtube.com is what the internet was made for: free porn videos with absolutely no censoring or ads. In fact, most of it isn't even 'porn' in the ron jeremy, fast-forwarded through the 'plot' sense, but honest to goodness non-celebrity videotaped fucking. Nevertheless, despite the fact that it is truly the promise of the internet unleashed in one place, there is one problem that needs The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-37888167876013627062007-10-20T00:50:00.000-07:002007-10-20T01:48:21.838-07:00Ellen Degeneres: Get Fucked!Go watch the video on youtube. Now, read this: This is the moment. Right here. A woman sobbing over someone ELSE'S dog! She probably didn't wail that much when the planes hit the towers (or Wolfowitz hit the plunger on the controlled demolition, whichever you believe.) This will very likely be the point of no return, a place future historians will point to, when they are sifting through our The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-90601796253384875062007-10-18T21:01:00.000-07:002007-10-20T18:31:31.635-07:00Newsflash to Asian guys who are pissed about white dudes taking their women:We don't give a fuck. Sorry. You can pee in our coke and add broccoli to our tso's until the year of the goat or whatever the fuck it is, we are still going to desire your women. That is what we do. It's not fair; it's not right; it just is. Just as Teddy Roosevelt and his rough riders tamed the vast, virgin western states, so too do white guys see it as their manifest destiny to pluck at The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-45195888529740677092007-10-13T17:11:00.000-07:002007-10-16T15:29:44.373-07:00Why Gay Dudes Are RichFirst off, and the number one reason, they don't have to take women out. That saves about %50 of your discretionary income right there. Boom. Who pays? They both split it, unless its a real case of a rentboy being treated by his daddy. Or so I am told.Women expect this type of service because straight guys need that pussy so goddamn much that we are willing to lie, cheat, steal, even pay forThe Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-7318534908970939312007-10-13T00:19:00.000-07:002007-10-13T00:21:24.087-07:00First thoughtPLEASE DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE. THANK YOU.The Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149942465051929656.post-17858155605307944762007-10-13T00:16:00.000-07:002007-10-13T00:17:52.754-07:00In Rainbows...A Review(Meant to be read whilst listening along. And also reaaaaalllll fucking high on drugs.)Track 1:Track 2: One of the most frenetic songs on the album, BodySnatchers gives a visceral punch right at the near start of the album, their first in 2 years (the longest break of their career). Released in an unprecedented manner, the band opted for what that they often do: authenticity and doing whateverThe Dukehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17912890311483400865noreply@blogger.com0