The Nasty Old Cooter Monologues

Why is it is impossible for an attractive woman to be in 'The Vagina Monologues?' I don't mean one who isn't straight, or who wasn't hot 30 years ago; I mean a woman who's vagina you would actually want to see and/or touch.

There would never be a "Parthenon" monologue, or a "sunset over half dome in Yosemite national park" monologue. This is because these things are so beautiful, so precious, that to talk about them without actually showing them would be pointless and bizarre.

Now, I know the men and lesbians in my audience will know what I mean when I say that a well-coiffed vagina falls into exactly this category. It would be frustrating, to say the least, to sit through a description of it without some visual frame of reference, some point when the audience can let out a sigh and say collectively, "Damn, that's a nice pussy!"

If you are the director of this play, you would know that it is vital to use an actress whose vagina you would never, ever want to see, lest the audience be distracted by imagining said vagina performing its intended function in biology, at least as it relates to a penis or a fist-shaped double-dong.