Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Friend-Zone Fan Mail

My first fan IM: (names changed to protect the innocent.)

SN Redacted:duke! LOVE your blog! MISS YOU

Sweet, platonic love from a hot chick! Just what I was lacking.....

The Naming Conventions on RedTube Have Room For Improvement is what the internet was made for: free porn videos with absolutely no censoring or ads. In fact, most of it isn't even 'porn' in the ron jeremy, fast-forwarded through the 'plot' sense, but honest to goodness non-celebrity videotaped fucking. Nevertheless, despite the fact that it is truly the promise of the internet unleashed in one place, there is one problem that needs correcting: the titles given to the videos.

To be sure, some are very accurate: 'Home Movie-Fucking A Small Dick' is, indeed, just that. But, just what exactly does "Brazilians Having Fun" convey? It could be a bunch of assholes playing soccer, Which might be a fetish, but then it should say so. (After watching the aforementioned I can actually suggest the title of "assholes playing soccer.")

Looking for something a little more artful? Then you are gay and are ruining porn for the rest of us. Stop.

Another sad consequence of thoughtless naming is that crucial information is lost, even if the name is technically correct. Upon initially viewing the title of "Sexy Girl Getting Hard Fuck," one does not get the truth that the star is in fact a pig-tailed asian spinner with braces. About the only accurate part is the 'hard fuck.'

Of course, the panopoly of human sexual practices makes it impossible to accurately name some videos: 'orgy' could never really encapsulate the epic scale of this depravity straight from the land of the rising sun and birthplace of the upskirt fetish, nor can 'ejaculate' be anything but a lukewarm attempt to define an ability that was last seen hosing down blacks in Alabama in 1964. Thus, I can forgive their authors for falling short.

But the award for most difficult to title properly goes to this little gem, shot in a magical place where being in love means never having to look for a toilet.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Ellen Degeneres: Get Fucked!

Go watch the video on youtube. Now, read this: This is the moment. Right here. A woman sobbing over someone ELSE'S dog! She probably didn't wail that much when the planes hit the towers (or Wolfowitz hit the plunger on the controlled demolition, whichever you believe.) This will very likely be the point of no return, a place future historians will point to, when they are sifting through our rubble, as the exact moment when it all went to shit. All over a fucking dog whose sole concern in life was shitting and eating and having his belly rubbed.

Which is ironic, because that's pretty much all a guy is really concerned with, and we know Ellen's track record with them. One could imagine she went through several 'dogs' who did not get along with her 'cats,' until she finally woke the fuck up and said, "Gee, I don't really like dogs. Too rambunctious. I do like cats; they are furry and soft."

It is tempting to fall back on the old insecure straight guy aphorism of 'she just needs a cock' to explain her insanity, but that isn't fair because a) I've confirmed through extensive wikipedia research that Portia is a better pussy-eater than any man alive; and b) Her pantsuits, scruffy hair and 70's collars are like kryptonite to a fact, I'd dare say that if any guy could get it up for Ellen, he must in fact be a fag, pretending she is a young boy with an asshole that smells like fish. Actually, that's not such a bad idea now that I think of it.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Newsflash to Asian guys who are pissed about white dudes taking their women:

We don't give a fuck. Sorry. You can pee in our coke and add broccoli to our tso's until the year of the goat or whatever the fuck it is, we are still going to desire your women. That is what we do. It's not fair; it's not right; it just is. Just as Teddy Roosevelt and his rough riders tamed the vast, virgin western states, so too do white guys see it as their manifest destiny to pluck at least one pristine, unspoiled asian flower.

Look at the Vietnam war; it took a decade and 70,000 lives. Yet there is one thing that all can agree on, vets and draft dodgers alike: the women in Saigon were all fucking 11's. Imagine, killing gooks all day and then banging their women at night. No wonder they were so pissed. Every punji stick crammed up a GI's ass saved one VC regular from a 3.62 mm round and one gorgeous Vietnamese woman from a case of HPV. Christ, WW2 was over 50 years ago and we STILL have 20,000 troops on Okinawa. (Lucky fucks.) Now, you contrast that with the Bosnian thing, or even Gulf War I, where there were no whores to be found: We got the fuck out as soon as we could. What do both of these places have? Nasty women. Bosnia has a bunch of fat, hairy eurotrash who smell like pickled-herring. And Iraq...I guarantee you that for most of those women, the burqa's are an improvement.

The only reasonable explanation, then, has to be the quality of the whores. The American soldier can have all the fancy equipment and gung-ho training in the world, but without top-shelf asian pussy, we don't stand a chance.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Why Gay Dudes Are Rich

First off, and the number one reason, they don't have to take women out. That saves about %50 of your discretionary income right there. Boom. Who pays? They both split it, unless its a real case of a rentboy being treated by his daddy. Or so I am told.

Women expect this type of service because straight guys need that pussy so goddamn much that we are willing to lie, cheat, steal, even pay for crap that will distract them for two seconds while you try to score. The entire greeting card business would shrivel up and die were it not for our insatiable thirst for twat. No gay dude is going to buy another a fucking hallmark card. That's even too gay for them. They are way too busy buying dildoes in the shape of a fist and lube. You know, shit that you can actually use.

The other reason is that they don't have kids that much. Since it's impossible and all.

First thought


In Rainbows...A Review

(Meant to be read whilst listening along. And also reaaaaalllll fucking high on drugs.)

Track 1:

Track 2:
One of the most frenetic songs on the album, BodySnatchers gives a visceral punch right at the near start of the album, their first in 2 years (the longest break of their career). Released in an unprecedented manner, the band opted for what that they often do: authenticity and doing whatever the fuck they want. Call it authenticity, call it 'not selling out,' call it stupid; you can't call it a failure. This album will undoubtedly move 5 million units, even in this 'dead' album era.
Track 3: Nude
Is this the intro to a Beatle's film? I don't know, it seems to be self-indulgent to me. Ok, I'm digging the backbeat....ultimate trance beat, slowed down a million times and smoothed out by Greenwood's underappreciated drumming. This track shows a lot of complexity in its mellowness. The extended downtemp part, punctuated by a cymbal crash around 1:40, signals the start of a newer depth to the piece. Or maybe I'm just realllllll fucking high on drugs.
Track 4:
Silky smooth right from the start, Weird Fishes/Arpeggio is probably the best-crafted songs since "No Surprises." Affecting, haunting, yet never slow or lugubrious, it can't be conveyed beyond, "The shit just works." From the mournful, guitar dense atmosphere comes a bountiful undergrowth of sick drumming and Thom's ridiculously perfect pitch. The best 5:28 money can buy, heck, even worth the last :45.
Track 5: All I Need
Radiohead is like a fat woman at a buffet: once it gets going it ain't going to stop. Putting the piano to its full-effects, Thom pulls off a mozart-capable piano solo, transcending the mere 'rock' piano playing into a higher form, raising the whole genre up the 'art' category level. Trippy when it needs to be, mixed with a heavy flow and a heavy dose of awesome. No cowbell needed.
Track 6: Spare and staid at first, the violins, close-miked guitar and flawless mix (that are together a song unto themselves), moves at just the right pace to provide a comedown from "All I Need."
Track 7: Contrasting clearly against its predecessor, Reckoner does not disappoint, as the band continually incorporates new instruments and arrangements into its retinue.
Track 8: House of Cards
At turns majestic and haunting, the refrain of "Tonight/tonight" hints at something more to come, an expectation of greatness that can never be matched.
Track 9: Jigsaw falling into space
Downright snappy, this fast-paced song is nearly a toe-tapper. At times it reaches a rapid pace, but it never pushes the envelope, always keeping one fret before. BY the time the frenetic cavalcade of strings kicks in, this wall of strings rises to a triumphal finish, keeping the hand steady. The ultimate penultimate track.
Track 10: Absolutely slowed down, especially in light of the album, this track doesn't really seem to fit on an album wth such a heavy emphasis on the instruments and the right mix. Even with the crescendo rapidly approaching, one only sees a dull thud of an ending to what was a spectacularly alive and even reverential album. Completely re-worked from the version played at MSG on their mini-tour in 2006, one could convincingly argue that it is the worst song on the album. At best, it is a one-off show song, reminiscent of "OK Computer's" "Treefingers'"s'. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it is a meager exclamation point for such a fantastic album. For the final track, only extreme emo fags and hardcore shoegazers may apply.

Final Rating: 5 out of 5 asian schoolgirls.