Changing my major

Since lawyering (as they say in the trade) hasn't exactly worked out, I've trained my well-honed, six-figure powers of logic towards a more likely goal: Winning the lottery, then pulling a Nic Cage in his last great movie.

As of today, the California Super Lotto jackpot is $9 million, and the Mega Millions jackpot is $12 million. Both offer life-changing money. However, as you can see, your chances of winning Super Lotto are 134 million times greater than a win in Mega Millions. It makes no sense, then, to play Mega Millions when you are hundreds of millions of times more likely to win Super Lotto. Being in the gambling business, the lottery knows that most people are so greedy that they would kill their chances of winning, just for an infinitesimal shot at that extra $3 million.

The best game to play is Fantasy 5, with a 1 in 575,757 chance, and jackpots around 100k. Enough for a lost weekend at Pechanga, at least.

Of course, neither I nor anyone close enough to me to hand over a cut of the cash will ever actually win the lottery. This is just a hypothetical, like a decent job or a threesome.