Ellen Degeneres: Get Fucked!

Go watch the video on youtube. Now, read this: This is the moment. Right here. A woman sobbing over someone ELSE'S dog! She probably didn't wail that much when the planes hit the towers (or Wolfowitz hit the plunger on the controlled demolition, whichever you believe.) This will very likely be the point of no return, a place future historians will point to, when they are sifting through our rubble, as the exact moment when it all went to shit. All over a fucking dog whose sole concern in life was shitting and eating and having his belly rubbed.

Which is ironic, because that's pretty much all a guy is really concerned with, and we know Ellen's track record with them. One could imagine she went through several 'dogs' who did not get along with her 'cats,' until she finally woke the fuck up and said, "Gee, I don't really like dogs. Too rambunctious. I do like cats; they are furry and soft."

It is tempting to fall back on the old insecure straight guy aphorism of 'she just needs a cock' to explain her insanity, but that isn't fair because a) I've confirmed through extensive wikipedia research that Portia is a better pussy-eater than any man alive; and b) Her pantsuits, scruffy hair and 70's collars are like kryptonite to a dick...in fact, I'd dare say that if any guy could get it up for Ellen, he must in fact be a fag, pretending she is a young boy with an asshole that smells like fish. Actually, that's not such a bad idea now that I think of it.